Guyism Reports: The 2011 World Air-Sex Championships

Howard Shanker journeyed from Philadelphia to New York City with the single purpose: to go big. Think: Michael Jordan big. Think: Derek Jeter big. Think: Ron Jeremy big.

Think: East Coast Air Sex Champion.

The bareheaded, heavyset Jewish real estate contractorfully protected for termite as well as radon inspectionsnever expected to be the major league athlete; he merely dreamed of ridding influence from his fairly extremist neighborhood. None of the kids have use of extremist slurs near me since they know Ill have something to contend about it, Shanker says. we do my many appropriate to negate which with conversation. If we can get people to consider some-more open-mindedly or demeanour outside their normal world, Ive succeeded.

However, the single review was unfit to have with his neighbors. Every day we fool around the clean-cut professional collared individual, the happily married Shanker says, though we have the 3 inch hole in my balls. My dicks separate in half; my tongues separate in half. Oh yeah, the head of my cocks separate as well as theres the large hole in my balls.

Shanker, who additionally has nipple rings as well as an enormous Star of David permanent skin stain upon his back, not prolonged ago detected an event to betray his deviant side. A Philly bar where he moonlights as the bouncer hosted an Air Sex World Championships rough match. Without any preparation, his lewd alter-ego Big Dick Door Guy sprang in to existence; this jaw-dropping performance secured him the mark during the NYC regional finals:

Do we have the undiluted body? Big Dick Door Guy asks rhetorically. Far from it. But Im comfortable with who we am. And if someone else is worried with me, thats the thoughtfulness of their annoy with who! they ar e.

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Discomfort is the name of the air sex game. Since the American leagues 2009 inceptionthe phenomenon originated in Japan, of coursethousands of attendees have derived voyeuristic pleasure from examination (often intoxicated) exhibitionists ravish invisible partners. In the words of ASWC owner Chris Trew, World Series: nothing. Super Bowl: nothing. WrestleMania: something, though its not enough.

You certainly know the basics. Air sex has received the huge amount of media attention, as well as perhaps the joke is removing stale. Except that, to many of the competitors, its not the joke whatsoever. A winning performance, Shankers invention notwithstanding, typically requires hours upon hours of practice.

For fortifying regional champion Dustin Dirty D Diaz, who performs in an American flag Speedo as well as army capwhich element his bald eagle permanent skin stain as well as 70s-style creeper mustacheits the approach of life. And therapeutic. we have the unequivocally hairy ass, Diaz admits. When we was the teenager, my friends would have jokes about it in the locker room. Theyd call me Chewie-ass, similar to Chewbacca. It was hurtful we kept it pent up.

Now he musters the bravery as well as fortitude to overcome this emotional adversity, as well as presents his shaved, smooth, pristine backside to hundreds of finish strangers.

Whatevers personal to you, take it to the stage, Diaz advises. Dont ham it up. Keep it real.

Diaz boasts which he used to do air sex in the kitchen prolonged prior to it became the fad: In 2007 we was display my roommate how to have sex with the girl, demonstrating what moves he should have use of we gave him the lot to work with. And Diazs years of! experie nce have been evident tonight when he showcases his analingus skills during length; the assembly is simultaneously confounded as well as enchanted.

Im unequivocally happy which my mother is here to view it, Diaz says cheerfully.

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The competition for Shanker as well as Diaz is fierce. And stiff. For example

The Donkey Show: Two women as well as the single man molest the donkeywith impressive acrobaticswhile Simon & Garfunkels At the Zoo plays upon the sound system. (We fucked as well as killed the goat final year, the single of them explains, sounding not during all fetishistic.)

Professor Longhair: A disobedient female teacher gives the lesson in the verbal arts to the balance of Petula Clarks 1965 classical Downtown. (Ironically, verbal sex did not exist until 1969.)

Chuck Naked: A tall blond lady who starts his slight with the tender make-out session, accompanied by Boyz II Men, though afterwards dons the black mask, decapitates his invisible partner to the death metal cacophony, as well as defiles her corpse prior to masturbating upon the row of judges. (I was fucking terrified, pronounced the single judge, as well as thats how we similar to it.)

Anna Banana: A twenty-something woman who performs expertly mimed fellatio as well as writhes alluringly, though in conclusion disqualifies herself when she flashes her unclothed breasts to the audience. (Who says which air sex isnt worth the $15 cost of admission?)

Yes, the contingency of triumph were daunting. But Howard Shanker didnt let it faze him as he took the stage, shed his clothes, as well as gyrated in the bizarre, dragon-phallused swimsuit which he found someplace unequivocally obscure upon the Internet. The a! ssembly went utterly crazy with approval, generally when he wiped his plunder hankie upon the judges faces.

Im happy Dirty Ds mother is here to see this too, Shanker deadpanned.

Its no warn which both menthe reigning NYC champion as well as the Philadelphia upstartmade it to the final round, though there could be only the single victor. And by renouned vote, totalled in decibels, Big Dick Door Guy cowed the day.

Im so thrilled, so excited, Shanker said, admitting which Dirty D is great as well as it was as well close.

Diaz, who blames his detriment upon pull[ing] out my signature raise motorist the little as well soon instead of pacing himself, further admires Big Dick Door Guy: [He] deserved which win we am honored to know someone else which can lift it off. Our styles contrast the garland since hes the bit of the hatred fucker as well as Im some-more of the dirty foreplayer.

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Unfortunately, the influence as well as prejudice which Shanker aspires so courageously to overcome from his hometown followed him all the approach to the Big Apple. Youre the Jew, shouted the heckler in the crowd. Youre the Jewwwwwww.

Hes just an additional asshole, Shanker says of his unknown detractor. Nobody chooses to be black or Jewish or Asian or gay. we will regularly judge people by the decisions they make.

But Shanker refuses to concede the haters as well as cynics to disquiet his concentration; hes already preparing for the championship in Austin. Ive basked in the glory, as well as right away Im behind to planning my strategy, he says the subsequent day. My idea is to come up with something some-more ridiculous. we will probably put in endless hours of thought.

He needs to have g! reat upo n these promises. Thanks to the wildcard victory in New Orleans, Dirty D will transport to Texas for the rematch against Shanker, as well as intends to have use of this defeat to have the clever comeback by having some-more sex with my girlfriend as well as studying it fool around by fool around upon my camcorder.

Trew, who wants to take the competition to TV as well as DVD, has zero though kind words for Shanker: Hes quite the character as well as the assembly will regularly reply to that. Also, he was having the many fun out of all the contestants. Nevertheless, if theres the Tiger Woods or Hulk Hogan of air sexing who will browbeat as well as define the sport, we havent seen it yet, though we have the sports mentality with the uncover so Im unequivocally wakeful of the possibility A lot of the performers in Austin regularly get dissapoint if they dont do well.

Theyre dissapoint over zero over pride; the winner receives no grand prize, merely the trophy. But for Big Dick Door Guy, its not about materialism in the least: If we can say, Hey, we won, what some-more do we unequivocally need?